A conundrum

[benlehman]

I have a friend -- well, an acquaintance, really -- who has all the symptoms of a rape survivor, and it seems to be really fucking up her life. I want to let her know that she doesn't have to live like that, if she doesn't want to. The question is, *how do I fucking broach the subject?* or should I just butt out and mind my own business.

I mean, there's no really good way to say "pardon me, were you violently sexually assaulted at some point in the past?"

Comments

[shatterdaymorn.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I agree moderately with the sentiment of recommending a psychologist. That seems like the right thing to do.

On the other hand, I feel that I should provide some personal narrative. Twice when I was a undergraduate, I was in conversations that eventually lead to someone offering to me this rather despairing revelation. When I reflect on those situations and conversations, I find that the revelation was not in any way due to some explicit prompting. The conversation just flowed to it and beyond. I think it had less to due with the words of the conversation. It was more due to factors beyond that: mood, need, trust, sympathy, confidence, understanding, the desire to be emotionally open, the knowledge that such vulnerability was okay, and the need for compassion. Words were just really the vessel though which those things could operate and help I think.

In any case, I think that sort of atmosphere should be fostered anyway. Explicitly broaching the subject would be quite poor. I would recommend the advice of subtly telling them to see a psychologist. Those words do carry some emotional content that go beyond their mere meaning.

[(Anonymous)]

Unfortunately, shatterdaymorn's examples notwithstanding, women in that situation are often completely incapable of trusting men. Perhaps the best thing to do, Ben, would be to gently make this suggestion to one of her trusted female friends.